Insomnia

There is a certain feeling in my heart when I'm about to cry. A feeling I cannot explain. Lately I have been feeling that amount of hurt that could make me burst into tears. The sadness that stops me cold and sure to feel it. But I'm keeping it inside. I won't let a tear fall down.

Insomnia. Staying awake while asleep. It started back in high school. If the clock ticks pass twelve and I haven't doze off, I won't be able to fall asleep until the sun rises. I lay in bed trying to sleep. I open my eyes into darkness with only the light from outside the window could help me see silhouettes. I close my eyes and make a turn. I still couldn't sleep.

I think about my hopes, ambitions, and dreams. I fall asleep. The next morning I'd wake up not remembering the last thing in my mind before I have fallen into a coma.

My inconsistency in sleeping was said to be my lack of peace of mind according to an old buddy. I couldn't sleep because I was stressing on my frustrations—unmeant desires. His no Psychologist nor an expert in sleeping and he majored in business. But what he said really struck me and... I believed him.

When I turned my life around back during my college years. My sleeping habit became consistent. I don't sleep passed 10 pm. My alarm sets off every morning around 6 am and by the time the clock ticks 8 am, I should already be up and walking. I was constantly at the gym and I eat healthy foods.

I felt so good with my life. I had everything under control. I don't stress out on what's about to happen the next day. It was a worry free stage of my life. But all these have changed when I started working for ABS-CBN interactive. I guess the atmosphere of my former work place had put me on stress.

I miss having a regular job. With firm office hours and not flexible time. A reason to wake up every morning at an exact right time. And ending your day thinking nothing but your bed—only to rest and sleep.

Now that I'm home doing freelance. I have less to worry. I should have taken this time to turn my sleeping habit back to where I was happy. Start waking up early and eat healthy foods. I should be able to clear my mind. But I'm having a hard time. I tossed and turned at night! Why am I stressing? Everything is doing well. My freelancing is doing great. I couldn't figure out what's bothering me. And once again I couldn't sleep.

Insomnia. Staying awake while asleep. Thinking about my shoulda woulda coulda. The hopes, ambitions, and dreams. The thoughts of What if... I fall asleep.

Blog, blog, blag!

Wow. Its been more than three months since I last blogged. I've already forgotten how to do it. I was so busy with work and other stuff that I have abandoned my blog. Because of this I lost my domain (elephantonadiet.com). I forgot to renew it and to do so now will cost me 99 USD! Thats sad because I still don't have a credit card.

Blogging comes with freedom. And free blog hosting sites are there to help out. Since blogger.com allowed me to import my old blog posts and comments from wordpress. It was the immediate choice to where my legacy of blogging shall continue.

There was a lot of things that had happened to me in the past three months. And since I wasn't blogging. My heart was suffocated by thoughts unable to exhale and I became sober.

Four months ago, I work as a media designer for ABS-CBN Interactive. If you read my previous blog entries, I choose to leave my stable perfect job for something I thought would satisfy me and feed me experience. Don't get me wrong, I did learned a lot but not on the professional level or expertise on what I do. I was culture shocked!

I learned office politics. And the first rule was have a thick face. Second rule was suck up!

I resist to learn those things. I became quiet doing what I needed to do. So I went following what direction they were giving me. However, It was misleading and confusing. I have three people to report to, I don't know which one to follow since each of them points me to different direction. The result was making 6 design studies only to find out the first study was the actual one to use and having my work labeled as amateurish at its best upon following vague instructions like make it colorful yet simple, use white background and follow this wireframe. But when I ask for design references, color scheme and sample studies. The reply was its up to you to impress.

I was unable to catch up. I cannot work like that. I slowly drowned and I couldn't breath anymore. I decided, I need to transfer to a different subsidiary after hearing an opening in ABS CBN Global. But first, I need to inform my superiors regarding this move.

Everything went well and I was ready for the transfer. I still have a month left but my feet were already shaking, eager to walk towards the other side of the fence. I became passive and uncaring that I forgot that I still have a month left. It affected my work and I was told that my contract will no longer be renewed. It was a good thing though, I didn't want to stay longer anyway.

Even though I was eager to leave. I felt I was electrified. A total power play and it wasn't just me who felt it. There were lots of people experiencing the same. But my experience was they gave me the notice a week before my contract ends. Which should have been a month or at least 15 days earlier. Especially if they were going to hold my salary. I asked for an explanation regarding it. I was nice and I even said I understood given the economic crisis. But I didn't received any reply regarding my salary and they couldn't look straight into my eyes whenever are path crosses.

When my contract finally ended. I wasn't able to transfer. I heard there was a memo released regarding Interactive employees transferring to Global subsidiary. And then the freeze hiring happened. It caught me and I wasn't hired because of it.

Global explained it properly and they outsourced me instead. They were honest to me and transparent. Since they have no control over the freeze hire, all they can do is give me freelance work and pay appropriately. And that was what I have been doing for the past three months. Freelance work for ABS CBN Global and my own sidelines and other rockets!

But now, I feel the need to have a full time job. Freelancing is unstable. Global doesn't know until when the ice age will last but I feel they wanted me to be there when it happens.

I am caught in a moment once again. I need to make a decision.

Back doing Freelance

Life has become too busy ever since I worked at ABS-CBN. The back & forth travel from Cavite to Quezon City is too much of a time consumption. Sleep, rest, play a little with Tango & Samba, and now with our "bunso" Mambo- the son of Philippine Champion "Harvey"- has become my nightly habit once I get home from the traffic that is Emilio Aguinaldo Highway or the Cavite road from Coastal to Tagaytay.

Lately task had become light at the office therefor I was able to accept freelance work. It's like going back to basic. What I meant about that was I felt like going back on the days where my life was nothing but school, school paper and freelance web design and developing plus girlfriends also known as College life.

Wow life as become too busy that even my writing went from basic to beginner. Anyway, its not about my writing that I wanted to showcase in this blog entry. My freelance web designs are what I wanted to post.

The sad part about this was my designs are being bought for only 700 to 1 thousand pesos. Freelance is a little slow these days. If you happen to know anyone looking for freelance web designer that would pay a lot more for designs like these. Please let me know. I would love to work freelance for them.

visit Behance.net/december1985 for my portfolio